


Dear Remus

by NnoitraSzayel



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-22
Updated: 2014-08-21
Packaged: 2018-02-14 05:09:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 54
Words: 7,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2179134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NnoitraSzayel/pseuds/NnoitraSzayel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the summer Sirius runs away from his parents place. The summer that changes everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> first published summer 2011

_6/18/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_It hasn’t even been a day and already I’ve been locked up in my room. Apparently eating breakfast and discussing French poetry with Regulus is no longer allowed. Who knew? I certainly didn’t. It seems that Mother is the only one who knows what’s “right” and “wrong” these days. Even Father thought that it was a perfectly acceptable conversation to be having. I think that this just goes to show that men are only on this planet for women to torture. That’s why I like you, Moony. You’ve got bits, you understand me, you let me be obnoxious, and you’ve got bits. Oops. Looks like I’ve said you’ve got bits twice. Very nice bits… anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you should be careful if you reply to this, because there’s no guarantee that I’ll be the once who receives it. Basically, send letters at night. Also (because I moved the piano to my room) I composed a new song for you. I’ll play it for you when we get back to school._

_I hope you’re doing well at home with your parents. Good thing this month’s full moon was before school ended, yeah?_

_All my love,_

_Sirius_


	2. Chapter 2

_6/19/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_Today, it was quiet. Regulus brought me some sandwiches around lunch time. They’re not feeding me at all, so he had to sneak me food. I never thought something like this would happen. Regulus also told me that Mother and Father are planning some sort of trip into the city. I’m not quite sure for what yet, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out._

_Since I was stuck in my room all day, I reread that book you gave me a few years back. You know, the one about Mythical Creatures? When I got to the chapter on werewolves, I changed some things and drew some hearts. I also drew Moony and Padfoot together on a few of the pages. I hope you don’t mind me editing the book you gave me, but they really didn’t have the right facts, so I made them correct. I’ll have to show you when school starts again._

_I hope you had a nice day, and I hope that your parents are treating you well. No matter what your father says, you are not a monster._

_I love you and miss you._

_-Sirius_

_p.s. I had a dream about Professor Lander the other night… something to do with storing a Muggle contraption called a “sewing machine” in his room…I have no idea, really…_


	3. Chapter 3

_6/20/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_I snuck out of my room today while Mother and Father were out of the house. I stole a bunch of food from the kitchen, so you won’t need to worry about how I eat anymore. Regulus and I played while Mother and Father were out as well… I wish you could hear him. He’s amazing when it comes to playing the cello. He’s also good at writing poetry. I wouldn’t be surprised if he got published one day._

_I hope you’re doing and eating well. You’re too thin, you know that? Have you started the summer homework yet? I haven’t… dunno when I will either._

_I miss you. A lot. I drew pictures of us, after Mother and Father came back and I was alone in my room again. They made me horny, so I had to take a shower, but rest assured that I was thinking of you the whole time._

_All my love,_

_Sirius_

_p.s. I still miss you, in case you’ve forgotten since I last said it._


	4. Chapter 4

_6/21/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_I read A Tale of Two Cities again. I know how it’s one of your favourite Muggle classics. I keep counting down the days until we get to go back to school. I wish I could see you… hold you in my arms and be able to tell you that everything’s going to be alright… but I know that’s silly. I’m locked in my room, you’re probably being forced to do all sort of house-elfish tasks, and there’s a war about to start. I’m sure that qualifies as everything being not alright, but I still like to say it to you because I love you and I want you to feel safe. Does that make me a bad person?_

_Today at lunch, Regulus brought me a banana. I know it shouldn’t be funny-- because, really, what’s funny about a banana?--but I remember the look you’d always get on your face when I’d eat them and it made me laugh. Thought you’d like to know._

_I found a bar of chocolate in my trunk and would like you to have it. I’ve sent it with the owl, so hopefully the bloody bird didn’t eat it. I hope you’re well. Please write back soon so I don’t begin to worry…_

_My heart is beating for you,_

_Sirius_


	5. Chapter 5

_6/22/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_Today, Mother went to tea with her “girlfriends” and Father let me out of my room while she was gone. I went to the park Regulus and I used to play at when we were younger; before I went to Hogwarts and got sorted into Gryffindor. I sat on the swing for a while just looking at the dirt and remembering all the good times I’d had there. Sometimes I wish things had stayed like that, even though I know that’s stupid and childish. This is the part where you tell me that it’s perfectly okay to think this way, okay, Moony? Since you can’t be here to hold me, can you at least do that for me?_

_I hope you’re doing alright. I haven’t heard from you at all and it’s making me worried…You’d tell me if something was wrong, right?_

_All my love,_

_Sirius_


	6. Chapter 6

_6/23/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_You’ll never believe what I did today. I read two whole books. And neither of them had any pictures! Isn’t that wonderful, Moony? And I started the homework for Potions. I’m beginning to think that being locked in my room is making me turn into you, and I dunno if James can handle two Remuses. That might be a bit much on his poor prank-loving heart. But, you know I love you for it. I also played both of your songs today. Because I miss you…I hope you’re alright._

_All my love, your still sexy (although a bit hungry),_

_Sirius_


	7. Chapter 7

_6/24/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_Today my O.W.L. results came. And guess what? I got all Os with one E in Divination. Merlin knows how that E in Divination happened. I thought I’d do much worse…but in all the subjects that actually matter, I got Os! I told you I would! And I didn’t even study for anything. What about you, Mr. I-study-all-the-time-and-ignore-my-boyfriend-unless-I-need-help-with-Potions? Did you get all Os? I’m sure you did. Deprived me of enough sex to be with your books to have gotten impeccable grades…_

_I miss you and your books horribly, though. Maybe we can meet up, if I can escape my room again…_

_Love you and miss you,_

_Sirius_


	8. Chapter 8

_6/25/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_…I am ashamed to admit that I finished the Potions essay we had to do. I have a feeling if things keep going this way, the world is going to come to an end._

_James offered to rescue me, but I would prefer to be with you (and I’m sure he would, too, as it would be terrible if I needed to wank to you at the same time he needed to wank to Lily). Although… I suppose it won’t be that big a problem because he’s not getting any as it is… Me, however, I used to get it more than once a ~~night unless you were tired, or studying, or told me no and then I would go off and pout for an hour or two…~~_

_I still miss you; all my love,_

_Sirius_


	9. Chapter 9

_6/26/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_I miss you terribly. Last night, I had a dream about you. We were in the meadow in the Forbidden Forest, you know, the one you always like to go to with me, and you were sitting in the grass next to me. It looked like spring, or maybe the beginning of summer… I dunno, the point is, there were flowers, and you were watching a butterfly that was on one of them. And I was sitting there watching you. I smiled when you did as it flew away and then leaned in to kiss you on the cheek… but I ended up falling right through you. That was when I woke up, but the point is, you were dead and you weren’t really there. I asked Regulus if it meant anything, and he got that awkward face he gets when I come to him asking about things he really would rather not talk about, and said that, if anything, it meant that I missed you. I need to see you, Moony._

_You own my fucking soul, Remus._

_-Sirius_


	10. Chapter 10

_6/27/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_I read all those notes we passed in our classes last year. I'd forgotten how... interesting... they were. According to Regulus, he came into my room last night to give me more food and found me cuddling my pillow (not that that's anything new; be jealous) and muttering your name. I think that means I miss you... well, that, and I was drooling (which isn't normal)._  
            I miss you and love you with all my heart...  
                        Sirius


	11. Chapter 11

_6/28/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_Today was not a good day at all. My parents went out again, so I snuck out to get more food, but apparently my Mother forgot her hat or something ridiculous like that (I don’t really remember the reason) and Father came back in to get it. Anyway, the point is that he caught me coming down the stairs. He grabbed me by the scruff of my neck and threw me down the stairs. He called me things like “ungrateful” and “stupid” because I thought I wouldn’t get caught. I don’t know if he kept talking after that… If he did, I didn’t hear any of it because I was too busy screaming while he tortured me. Now I’m back in my room, and everything still hurts… and I’m hungry, Moony… I need food if I’m going to get through this summer…_

_I hope your day was better than mine…_

_Sirius_


	12. Chapter 12

_6/29/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_It’s been another long day here at Number 12… I’ve had nothing but a banana all day, and that’s only because Regulus managed to sneak it up to me. It’s horrible, and I really miss you. I found that photo album you made at the bottom of my trunk… I wish I could hang a picture of you and me on my wall… that would make me happy. Is it September yet? Going back to school can’t come fast enough…_

_All my love,_

_Sirius_

_p.s. I still miss you. It’s like a terrible ache in my chest…_


	13. Chapter 13

_6/30/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_I’m scared. I don’t want to be, and if I told James he would only laugh at me. I can’t stay in this house anymore, but I don’t want to leave Regulus. I can’t leave him alone here with my parents. I know they like him infinitely more than they like me, but I still can’t bring myself to leave. What if something horrible happened and it was  
all my fault? I wouldn’t be able to live with myself…_

_You own my heart, my soul, my everything…_

_Sirius_

_p.s. I miss you._


	14. Chapter 14

_7/1/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_Today I was let out of my room. But it wasn’t for anything I wanted. Apparently my parents still value me as an heir, because they’ve arranged a marriage for me. Some pureblood girl named Evanna. She reminds me of my cousin, Narcissa. In appearance, at least. She didn’t talk much. Her parents were there, too. I haven’t figured out how I’m going to tell them that there’s no way in hell I’m marrying some girl when I’m in love with you. And I swear, I didn’t want her to kiss me. They’re Swedish, and seeing as I don’t fucking speak Swedish, I had no idea that her mother told her to do that. I didn’t want it. It was all wrong. I want you, and your scars, and I just want to be back at school so we can lie in bed holding each other and I can convince myself that everything is alright._

_I bloody love you with all my heart, and I would cut it out and give it to you if it would make you happy,_

_-Sirius_

_p.s. Please don’t hate me…_

_p.p.s. I miss you now more than ever…_


	15. Chapter 15

_7/2/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_I miss you. So much. I hate that this girl Mother and Father want me to marry is living here. I hate that it isn’t you. I hate that she got to kiss me, and I’m worried that you’re mad. I’m afraid she’s going to try to sneak into my room. I afraid I won’t be able to stop this marriage from going through, because I know that no matter what I do or don’t say, my parents are dead set on this. I want to know that you still love me, because I know I still love you. So bloody much._

_Love you and miss you,_

_Sirius_


	16. Chapter 16

_7/3/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_Thank Merlin… I was beginning to think you had died and would never receive my letters…That’s fine. As long as you’re safe and alright, it’s fine._

_It’s like a terrible ache in your chest, isn’t it? My parents are planning another outing sometime this week. I’ll tell you more when I know an exact date._

_Thank you for forgiving me… and, no… I haven’t talked to him about it. He already gets upset (even though he doesn’t show it) when Mother and Father tell him not to talk to me. How could I just up and leave him?_

_No. I am not marrying that girl. Ever. Do you hear me, Remus John Lupin? I refuse to marry anyone that isn’t you. I’ll kill every last bloody girl on this planet if I have to. You are the only one for me._

_Forever yours,_

_Sirius_


	17. Chapter 17

_7/4/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_Today was dull. I sat in my room and stared out the window. My parents were having some sort of party downstairs with my relatives, but I obviously wasn’t invited. I did try to listen from my room, though. Apparently my cousin Andromeda, the one who married the Muggle, is going to have a baby soon. At least that’s a sign that there is hope of escape this crazy family one day…_

_I hope you’re okay,_

_Sirius_


	18. Chapter 18

_7/5/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_I almost lost it today. My parents put me and her in a room alone together. That little bitch tried to get me to shag her! I swear, I almost hit her. I really wanted to. I feel disgusting, having had her touch me. I don’t know how much more of this I can take, Moony. I’m sorry if these letters are making you angry…_

_I still love you,_

_Sirius_


	19. Chapter 19

_7/6/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_I talked to Regulus today… about me running away, I mean. He told me that it was my choice to make, but he didn’t seem too thrilled about it. He didn’t talk to me for the rest of the day… how am I supposed to just leave him like this, Remus? How am I supposed to stay here for him while my parent’s are trying to get Evanna to shove her tongue down my throat? I’m just afraid I’m going to do something that I’ll regret…_

_I still love you… don’t ever forget that…_

_Sirius_


	20. Chapter 20

_7/7/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_But I have to get out of here… I love Regulus, but is it really worth it? He’s the only reason I’m still here…_

_That little… What did you say? “Father I won’t wash the dishes because my hands are blistered from when I swept the floor?” I swear… one of these days… Why the Leaky Cauldron? Couldn’t we both stay at James’ place? No. You’re not staying on the street. I simply won’t allow it. I am always worried about you. No matter what. It’s not something you can stop._

_I wish you were here…_

_Sirius_


	21. Chapter 21

_7/8/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_My father told me the strangest thing today… He said that Regulus and I are going to play at this summer’s family reunion. Quite honestly, I was under the impression that I would not be attending after last year’s fiasco… Apparently I was wrong. You know how I hate them. All of my wretched cousins will be there. The only difference is that because Andromeda married a Muggle, she won’t be there. I’ll be the only one who doesn’t share their same views. Supposedly, they’re announcing my engagement to Evanna there, and I’m half tempted to make a scene._

_I’m sending you some old books and some chocolate. I hope they’re feeding you over there, because I know I’m not getting much._

_I still love you and miss you…_

_Sirius_


	22. Chapter 22

_7/9/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_I was let out of my room today… Not quite sure what that means, but I suppose it’s a good thing, yeah? I hung out with Regulus in the attic. There are some… ~~creepy~~ … interesting…things up there…_

_Anyway, Evanna and her family have left for now, but they’ll be rejoining us just in time for the family reunion. Convenient, eh?_

_Thinking of you…_

_Sirius_


	23. Chapter 23

_7/11/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_And I have those two new songs I composed just for you. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t be going to the reunion at all. Everyone there hates me. I can’t promise that I won’t get hurt, because I need to do this. I need to shove it in my parent’s face that they’re failures. It’s something I have to do before I leave. I know you worry about me, but I wish you wouldn’t. I’ll be fine. You should worry about yourself._

_That sick bastard! You should be outside for the next full moon! Shit… that’s this week isn’t it? The 15 th? Bloody hell… I dunno if I’ll be able to sneak out and meet you. I want to be with you, Remus. Moony likes me. He likes having me around. I hate to think about what he’s going to do to you when Padfoot’s not there… And you’re not living in the Leaky Cauldron. You’re not living on the street either. Don’t make me tell James. He and his parents would be more than willing to take you in, and you know it. I am always worrying about you, and I am never going to stop._

_You’re welcome. I’m glad you liked them. As for the attic… Well, apparently that where Father stores his magazines. You know, the Quidditch one, where women pose scantily clad and sometimes naked with broomsticks in suggestive positions? Yeah… those are hidden amongst the furniture. And Regulus and I found a painting of our Mother. She’s naked in it. I think we both died a little inside, not to mention vomited._

_I love you. I don’t know how much longer I can be without you…_

_Sirius_


	24. Chapter 24

_7/12/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_YOU. I can’t believe how much you spoiled me! Why couldn’t you tell me no just once? Or a lot? I am going mad here. MAD I TELL YOU. I am going to rub myself raw down there with all the wanking I’m doing. And afterwards, I’m STILL frustrated! I am banging my head against the desk right now. I need you. Right now. I am going to explode if I don’t shag you in the next two days. You must be going mad, too, though. The full moon’s in two days. And we both know how much Moony likes it when we shag…_

_Apart from my big problem… things are relatively boring around here. I hope your parents aren’t treating you too horribly. They should let you be outside for this month’s full moon. Moony would be much happier… especially if I could sneak out and be with you. I really hope I can. I can’t stand the thought of you chained to the wall in your basement._

_I still love you and miss you,_

_Sirius_


	25. Chapter 25

_7/13/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_Tomorrow is my family reunion. That’s the day they’re going to announce my engagement to Evanna. That’s when Regulus and I will play together for the last time. I am not going to marry her. I’ve got something big planned, Remus. I can’t promise you that I won’t get hurt… but I can promise you that we’ll be together again soon._

_Take good care of my heart Remus; it’s yours, forever and always,_

_Sirius_


	26. Chapter 26

_7/14/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_I’ve done it. I’ve run away. I’m sure mother is taking great pleasure in blasting me off the family tree right now. I’m coming to you, Remus, but I have to walk so I don’t get expelled for under-age magic. I hope to be there in time for the full moon._

_I’m sure you’re wondering how things happened. Well, we went to the reunion, and Regulus and I played our song right after lunch. You would’ve liked it; it was in the same key that I wrote yours in. After our performance, my father called everyone’s attention to announce my engagement to Evanna. Right after he said it, I told him I wasn’t going to marry her. He tried to control his anger and asked me why I wouldn’t. I told him all about you. How you’re a boy, a werewolf, and half-blood. And I told him I didn’t give a shit about any of that because I loved you. He got really angry then, and dragged me out of the room. We fought, and it ended with him holding me against the wall and using his knife to carve me up. Don’t worry, though… it’s… erm… not like you can see my ribs now that the skin’s been removed… Okay… so, you can… but I can still walk, and I’m going to get to you. After he attacked me, I ran for the floo and used it to go to my room. I got all of my stuff and fled the house. I haven’t seen anyone else since. I did send a letter to James and Regulus though… Neither has replied yet._

_Please don’t worry about me. I’m fine. I’m going to make it to you, I swear. I’ll be happy to take care of both your problem and mine once I get there. I know you’re afraid of Moony. But I’m going to be there, and I’m going to make sure you’re outside. I’m going to make sure Padfoot is there for Moony. Please don’t be scared, Remus. I’ll be there soon, and I’ll hold you, and I’ll make everything better. I promise._

_I’ll see you soon…_

_Sirius_


	27. Chapter 27

_7/15/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_No, I did not get my cuts treated. Who was there to do that? I suppose I should have at least bandaged them as the flies buzzing around have not been very nice… I dunno. It could be infected. You’ll have to take a look at it… I didn’t even sleep last night. I just kept walking. I needed to get to you._

_Of course I’ll play the song for you when we’re at school. I’ll do anything you want me to, Remus._

_You know what… I think you should look out your bedroom window… I think you’ll find a certain black haired heart-throb waiting for you sitting on his trunk. And before you get any ideas no, it’s not James._

_I love you, so bloody open the window already!_

_-Sirius_


	28. Chapter 28

_7/18/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_These past few days with you have been incredible… And I’m glad Moony was fairly calm and able to be outside on the full moon. Shagging you the other day was fun, too, of course. Yeah… I’m grinning like an idiot now. But, I’ve done as you said after your father caught us holding hands the other day. I’m in the woods, not far from your house. I’ll go to James’ soon, but I want to stay here just a little bit longer… I hope you understand, and I hope your father isn’t doing anything too cruel to you right now…_

_All my love,_

_Sirius_


	29. Chapter 29

_7/21/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_I’m glad I could be there with you, too. I’m very glad that I could take care of your problem, too…I’m just sorry it had to end so soon. I walked through the forest for a few days until I finally reached some place that I could catch the Knight Bus. I took it to a place close to his house and am currently trying to figure out which one is his… I don’t remember his address, but I know I’m in the right place because the houses look familiar. Don’t worry… once I get inside I’ll eat and change my bandages. I’m safe now, Remus. I just need to know that you are. And don’t lie. Your handwriting is always different when you lie._

_I love you and miss you,_

_Sirius_


	30. Chapter 30

_7/22/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_I’ve safely reached James’ so there’s no need to worry about me anymore. My bandages were changed and I was fed… honestly, his mother is worse that y-- I mean, his mother is just as good as you…James is happy to see me, too. Have you been eating? Are you okay? Is your father treating you alright? I’ll come back for you. I swear, I’ll come back and we can run away together… just tell me what you need me to do, and I’ll do it._

_I love you,_

_Sirius_


	31. Chapter 31

_7/23/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_Today James and I went to Diagon Alley, and we slipped into this one store… erm, well… a book store, and we went to the very back where they keep all of the pretty porn- I mean, magazines… and we found this one that had all this stuff… and well, let me tell you, there are some positions we need to try! I intend to ravish you upon returning to Hogwarts anyway. Can you believe this is going to be our last year? And then we’re going to have to get jobs… I still dunno what I want to do. What if I can’t do anything?_

_You ran away!? Are you alright!? Are you not telling me everything?? REMUS JOHN LUPIN. I SWEAR. IF YOU ARE LYING TO ME ABOUT THE EXTENT OF YOUR INJURIES, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU MYSELF. I AM COMING OVER THERE RIGHT NOW TO GET YOU._

_You better be okay, because I fucking need you._

_Sirius_


	32. Chapter 32

_7/24/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_You better have told me everything about your injuries… As for picking you up, I can’t anymore. No one can tell you where James’ house is except the Secret Keeper. The so-called Lord Voldemort is targeting his parents apparently. We’re going to see what we can do though. Maybe we can get the secret keeper to go and get you._

_I’m really sorry._

_Sirius_


	33. Chapter 33

_7/26/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_I haven’t heard from you… Are you hurt? Did I upset you when I told you we wouldn’t be able to come and get you? I’m sorry, I really am. And James wants you here, too. We’re trying to work things out. Just… be careful what you write in the letters. Apparently they’re being intercepted a lot…_

_All my love,_

_Sirius_


	34. Chapter 34

_7/27/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_Alright… We’ll try to have things worked out by then. We’ve already talked to James’ father, and he said that he would try and arrange something. It’s killing me knowing that you’re out there alone. You wouldn’t believe the stories James’ mother and father tell us about the war. It’s absolutely mad! I really need to see you… I need to know that you really are okay…_

_I love and miss you just as much,_

_Sirius_


	35. Chapter 35

_7/28/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_You haven’t replied in a few days. Are my letters reaching you? Have you been kidnapped? I’m worried about you, you know. I don’t like the fact that you’re out there alone. Without me. Especially that you’re not with me. Just… try to stay hidden, alright? Mr. Potter says that these Knights of Walpurgis people are everywhere… I really don’t want you to get caught… The next time I see you, I’d prefer you were alive and in one piece._

_I love you, and miss you terribly,_

_Sirius_


	36. Chapter 36

_7/29/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_I’m glad you’re alright… But why are you moving around so much? Won’t that draw more attention? I think I’m going to get grey hair from worrying over you, and that is not something I want to happen (not that I don’t love your grey hair! Because I do! So stop pulling it out!), so just stay safe please… James’ father said he might be able to come and get you soon._

_I really, really, really miss you._

_Sirius_


	37. Chapter 37

_7/30/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_I’m not quite sure how to tell you this without worrying you… But James and I are on the run. We went to Diagon Ally with James’ house elf today and spent the whole day there. When we got back at night, we Apparated to the corner of the street and everything was painted in a green light. We weren’t quite sure what it was until we turned onto James’ street. It was the Dark Mark, Remus. James’ parents are dead. Slaughtered in their own home. James is a mess. He’s blaming himself already. Personally, I think that we’re both lucky to be alive. Although, it probably didn’t help that he went running in there before I could stop him… it was a mess… I thought I was going to be sick. My family does things like that to families like James’. I don’t know why he doesn’t blame me…_

_We’re at an obscure pub in London. Dumbledore told us to stay here. I need you here, Remus… please come…I’m going to lose my mind here with James. I need… I need a shoulder to cry on, and I know that sounds selfish, but I just can’t break down in front of James. Not when he needs me…_

_I need you…_

_Sirius_


	38. Chapter 38

_8/3/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_This is all my fault, Remus. There’s no way around. I deserve to be the one dead, not James’ parents. I’m afraid I can’t now. We’ve been moved to the headquarters of an Auror… Mad-Eye, is what they call him, and let me tell you… this guy is as mad as they come. He says we’re not allowed to tell anyone where we are and that we aren’t to leave the house without him._

_I can’t hold out any longer, Remus. I’m finished._

_Sirius_


	39. Chapter 39

_8/4/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_I can’t say much to you in my letters, in case they get intercepted, but we’ve been put to work for the fabled Order of the Pheonix. We’re not members, mind you, but we’re “in training to become members”. There are a lot of famous Aurors in here. And there are quite a few people who’ve left Hogwarts. Like Molly Prewett and Arthur Weasley and Frank Longbottom and Alice Prewett. Although, they’ve married and aren’t Prewetts anymore…_

_James still blames himself. The funeral is in three days, and I need you to be there… I just… I can’t do this alone…_

_I miss you…_

_Sirius_


	40. Chapter 40

_8/5/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_You haven’t replied… Are you safe? Does someone have you? If you don’t respond by tomorrow, I’m coming to find you; screw Mad-Eye. (not that I would actually do that… yuck.) I’ve written to Peter, too. And you know how James wrote a letter to Lily earlier in the summer? Well, she finally wrote back, and he wasn’t even happy about getting a response. That’s not like him at all. I’m no good at this stuff… Please write back. Please come. I love you… I need you…_

_I miss you…_

_Sirius_


	41. Chapter 41

_8/8/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_Are you sure they won’t catch you? You’re a werewolf. They don’t like people like you. They kidnap them and torture them and make them do what they want them to do. They turn them into monsters. You’re not a monster. You’re my Moony. You can’t allow them to get you. You need to promise. Promise that they won’t catch you. I would never forgive myself if you got caught and I wasn’t there to save you…_

_Get to a place where you can make a fire call. Call Dumbledore’s office at Hogwarts, and he’ll tell you how to reach us here._

_I’m scared for you…_

_Sirius_


	42. Chapter 42

_8/9/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_I know I’m probably starting to get annoying, but why haven’t you fire called yet? Have you gotten caught? Are they holding you hostage? Are they torturing you? Are you dead? Am I talking to myself? Have I finally gone crazy? Please answer, Remus… I’m going crazy locked up here… I don’t like being locked up… I hate it. I feel like a caged animal…I don’t want to be beaten again… Don’t let them whip me…_

_I need you… Please, save me…_

_Sirius_


	43. Chapter 43

_8/10/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_You’re there then? I didn’t dream up your response? You should’ve called sooner. I don’t like it here. There are too many people and sometimes I just want to be alone. I can’t even go outside. They won’t let us… because of those people. Everyday they come back here with news of another death. I ran away so I wouldn’t have to deal with that, and here it is again. Right in my face. I hate it._

_I’m not alright. I have to share a room with James. I have to listen to him cry himself to sleep when he thinks I’m not awake to hear him. I don’t belong here… I want to run. I want to run and never ever stop. I want to go back to Hogwarts and pretend everything is okay. I want this war to be over. I want you to hold me. I want to talk to my brother about music and art and writing and how stupid formal dinners are. I want to marry you and get a flat and just sit there, staring into your eyes, because I know you love me. I want James to be okay…_

_I want everything that I can’t have…_

_-Sirius O. Black_


	44. Chapter 44

_8/11/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_It’s horrible and cold and lonely. I know it’s getting worse. It’s people like my family that are doing it. I’m going to be associated with them. Already some of the people here are wary of me; don’t think I’m good. One of them even thought I was here so I could sneak information back to the people on the other side. I would never do that. James isn’t in the right state of mind to defend himself, let alone me… but you believe me, don’t you, Moony? You know I would never help them, right?_

_Will you be here tomorrow? You haven’t even fire called. And if you did, why wasn’t I allowed to talk to you? I wanted to talk to you when you called… I wanted to see your face and make sure you really were okay…I can talk to my brother through letters. But it’s not the same. I can talk to him at school, but we both have appearances to keep up, so that’s not the same either. What if we can’t get married? We’re both blokes. You’re a werewolf. And what if you say no? What if you don’t want a flat with me by the end of this year? What if you leave me for someone else because I’m not good enough anymore? You can’t make promises like that, Moony… you just can’t…_

_I’m bleeding… And not even you can stop it…_

_Sirius_


	45. Chapter 45

_8/12/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_But they do think it. Because I’m a Black. I wish I had never been born. That would be much better than this._

_He wouldn’t let you speak to me? I guess that means he suspects me, too. My brother isn’t James. He’s much more emotional. Or, at least, he shows a wider range of them. Letters are just empty words. You could just be saying that. How am I supposed to know if you’re telling the truth? How am I supposed to know if you’re really Remus Lupin?_

_How am I supposed to know if I don’t even know who I am anymore?_

_\- Padfoot_


	46. Chapter 46

_8/17/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_I’m sorry I haven’t written you in awhile, but we were put through some tests. Something to do with joining the Order once we’re done with school; I can’t tell you much in this letter because it’s “top secret”. I can tell you, though, that it was horrible and meant I couldn’t write you letters. Haven’t slept in forever. But, the words “constant vigilance” are starting to take up permanent residence in my brain, which was probably the whole point. James is doing a bit better, ever since he talked with that Kingsley bloke who graduated a few years back. Not quite sure what was said, but it seemed to help. He’s talking about writing Lily again, which is good even though nothing will come of it. At least it means he’s back to his normal self. Anyway, you said you were going to come by, but I haven’t seen you. Where are you, Moony? I miss you._

_All my love,_

_Sirius_


	47. Chapter 47

_8/18/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_As long as you’re safe and haven’t been caught, then just try and get here as soon as you can. The tests were to make sure we could be alert at all times and not killed in our sleep. If we “died” then we had to make breakfast for Mad-Eye. At four in the bloody morning. It was torture. Murder, even. And then, if we messed up the breakfast because we were half-asleep, we had to do it all over again while he was watching us! Bloody creepy. I can’t wait until you get here. You’ll probably fare better than James and I did. Or not, if it’s around the full moon… and you also like your sleep… so maybe you’ll do worse and then James and I will look better. That would be awfully kind of you, Moony. To make us look better. I would be laughing now, but don’t really want my door to be busted down._

_I can’t wait to see you._

_Sirius_


	48. Chapter 48

_8/20/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_You said that you would be here soon, but it’s been awhile. So, I was wondering if Dumbledore told you to go to a different safe house. James and I asked Mad-Eye when you would be getting here and he said that no one else was coming. And because you obviously aren’t here yet, we were unsure if you weren’t coming here at all or Dumbledore just hadn’t told him that you were coming. I’m hoping that Dumbledore just didn’t tell Mad-Eye that you were coming, because I really want to see you. I need to see you. The fact that you’re not writing very often doesn’t help much either. I worry about you, and when you don’t write, it makes me think something bad has happened._

_I don’t need another funeral to attend._

_Sirius_


	49. Chapter 49

_8/21/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_Someone else died today. It seems like someone dies everyday. They’re all innocent people; never done anything but live. And not be of pure blood. It makes me sick that people who are related to me are doing this while I sit around in a safe house like nothing is going on outside--like nothing will ever happen to me because I’m untouchable. I want to fight them. I have to fight them. I have to show everyone that not all purebloods are on the bad side. I’m not on the bad side. James isn’t on the bad side. My cousin Andromeda isn’t on the bad side. It’s not fair. I want to fight, and I want to show them, but I don’t know how._

_I need you here to talk some sense into me…_

_Sirius_


	50. Chapter 50

_8/22/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_Can you at least tell me whether or not you’re safe? I’m worried about you. You haven’t written back in a few days._

_Tonight at dinner we had pea soup. I don’t like pea soup very much. This is one of the few times that I would prefer to be back at home eating Kreature’s French onion soup. That was really good. Especially with a grilled sandwich. I bet even you would have liked it._

_I have attached a cookie to this letter. Please enjoy it._

_And write back._

_Sirius_


	51. Chapter 51

_8/28/11_

_Dear Remus,_

_I’m sorry I haven’t written you in awhile. There were dark wizards on our street, and no one could leave or even send out owls. But Mad-Eye said they’re gone now, which is why I’m writing you again. We’re going to Diagon Alley on the 30 th, and I thought it would be a nice if we could meet up. I miss you, and even though we only have a few days until we meet up at King's Cross, I'd like to see you before then.  
_

_I love you. Please write back soon._

_Sirius_


	52. Chapter 52

_8/29/11_

_Dear Remus,_

_Today we had to clean the house because James thought it would be funny to transfigure Mad-Eye’s cereal into spiders. We’re lucky to not have been hexed. Or cursed. Or killed. On the other hand, spiders are crunchy when chewed on… not that I ever wanted to know that… There was loads of dust under the all the furniture. It’s like he’s never cleaned before!!! Ugh._

_But, enough about me. How are you? Have you found someplace safe? You never told me if you were going to meet us in Diagon Alley. That’s tomorrow, so could you please tell me if you’re coming?_

_Love,_

_Sirius_


	53. Chapter 53

_8/30/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_I’m glad he was happy enough to do it, too. Maybe when we get back to school I can put the memory into a Pensieve and you can watch it._

_I’m glad you’re safe, even if it means you have to move around a lot. Of course I want to meet you in Diagon Alley. The bookstore sounds wonderful. I was also wondering if we could visit the Jewelers… I wanted to see about a pair of rings… I’m ready to go back, too. I’ve missed you so much this summer, you have no idea. Maybe once we’re back we can sneak to the Room of Requirement and have some fun… if you know what I mean._

_I love you so, so much._

_Sirius_


	54. Chapter 54

_8/31/76_

_Dear Remus,_

_I had a wonderful time with you yesterday. I was sad to see you leave at the end. But, we’re going back to school tomorrow. And, before you start freaking out, yes I’ve done the homework, and yes I’m all packed and ready to leave._

_I’ll see you tomorrow on the train. I have chocolate, and I can’t wait to see you._

_All my love,_

_Sirius_


End file.
